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Archive for January, 2011

Things Women Can or Can’t Do

10 Things Women Can Do

  • Grown up pijama parties
  • Sleep in the same bed with another woman
  • Experiment with homosexuality
  • Live with their parents until 30
  • Fake an orgasm
  • Spend all their salary on clothes
  • Tell everyone they have undergone plastic surgery
  • Wear thongs
  • Touch another girl’s ass
  • Thing about what’s on TV while having sex

10 Things Women Can’t Do

  • Change a flat tire
  • Remember ANY sport’s score
  • Know a secret, and don’t feel the urgent need to gossip about it
  • Have sex and don’t expect the guy to call back
  • Go to the Gym not wearing make up
  • See a baby and don’t talk in high-pitch-baby-mode
  • Park their car in less than 7 moves
  • Pay on the first date
  • Watch Discovery Channel
  • Watch porn

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Categories: Uncategorized

Things Men Can or Can’t Do

10 Things Men Can Do

  • Eat and watch porn
  • Chat and watch porn
  • Talk over the phone and watch porn
  • Remember 20 synonyms to the word pinus
  • Learn by hard 2 or 3 subjects to talk about on a first date
  • ALWAYS have room for an extra beer
  • Say he loves you, and be thinking about another piece of ass at the very same time
  • Get dressed in less than 30 seconds
  • Leave his clothes on the floor for 5 days…and don’t care
  • Strip someone with his own bare eyes

10 Things Men Can’t Do

  • Pull up the toilet’s seat
  • Pull down the toilet’s seat
  • Watch a football game and do ANYTHING at the same time
  • Remember when his gf is supposed to have her period
  • Remember anything from his first date with his gf
  • Remember to buy underwear
  • Remember anything
  • Answer honestly to the question “how many girls have you slept with?…”
  • Own a small dog
  • Wear tight jeans, and not feel gay

Categories: Nonesense Tags: , , , ,

A day in the life

Lights dim in.

A man and a dog. He’s sitting down on a huge piece of wood, and has his left hand on his dog’s head. The dog is sitting on the man’s left side, and they are both staring at the same direction. Water flowing on a river is overheard, and the sun is setting down. Man starts talking without moving his head.

  • Man – Well Mrs. Shackles…it’s being time to go home now. Been running for quite some time now, haven’t we? I know…I’m the one who’s running, and you’re just running with me. And that’s why, among other things, I love you (patts the dog’s head). But now is my time to go back home, and face the consecuence of my deeds. Home…if that’s how I can call it. More a past’s pit stop, that’s what I call it. Home…haven’t been home since Susan’s death (pauses, and swallows). Susan…I can barely remember her face now. But Lord, was she beautiful (dog looks up). Don’t get all jealous on me, you know you’re my girl now. But Susan…well, sometimes seems like the Lord has his funny ways of telling that he loves us. If only I could see her one more time, I believe…no, I KNOW I would be able to look at the past, and see some light, not just the shadows I see now. Because I know past isn’t always pleasant, and sometimes, if we could re-do it, we would…but shadows, that’s a first (laughs quietly, and it turns into cough). Shadows…oh girl, you know I’m not a coward, but not being able to see is what frightens me the most; and not being able to see into my past, that’s more of a torture than anything that has happened to my until now (weeps)

Silence. River keeps flowing, and sun is almost gone.

  • Man – Have you ever wondered how would be like  to die? Take out the suffering from the passing, I mean just death. Is it really like hibernating an endless winter? Or more like a warm summer nap, which you just don’t wanna wake up from? I bet is an in-between…the Lord ain’t that good, but I’m sure as hell, contradiction aside, that he ain’t bad. Divine justice, heaven…even the angels! Well, you got good things there. Along with peanut butter (laughs). At least, that’s what I hope. But besides all, I just hope he burns in hell (dogs looks up). No, not God you stupid brat. Him (stresses his voice). The murderer. Susan’s murderer. My wife’s murderer. That bastard. Hope God gave him his piece of the pie…fucking animal. Well, not animal. Fucking…whatever. Monster. Yes, monster. Because that is what he was. But now we won’t do no harm. (Whipes the tears in his eyes)

Sun is completely set. Stars are shinning, in a moon-less sky. The dog is now laying on the ground.

  • Man – Justice. Does that even mean something to us now? Justice…7 letters that make up a word I don’t fully understand. And I’m it’s victim. Susan’s also. Justice. It’s no wonder it has the same amount of letters of one word that seems more proper: Revenge. That’s my justice. I didn’t want to…but they let me no other choice (snobs). And that’s my sin, I just hope God can understand. I don’t care about people. You know I don’t. And there are my shadows. The shadows from my past, the shadows from my present. And I’m here. My future’s ahead, but my past in the middle. Why? Why this? Why to me? Why to my wife? Oh God, why? (starts to cry)

The man calms down. Then he stands up, and so does the dog.

  • Man – Let’s go, Mrs. Shackles…it’s time. I know they won’t forgive me, as I didn’t forgive him. It’s human nature. And I don’t blame them. Well…I do. But that doesn’t mean I won’t pay for what I did. Because I did it, and I wanted to do it. And now, I wish I didn’t. (Silence). Would you forgive me? (Looks at the dog, and the dog looks back). That’s why I love you. Well, let’s go Mrs. Shackles. Let’s go home.

Man and dog walk out of sight. River keeps flowing. Light dims out.

Categories: Short Play Tags: , , , ,

A 911 call

Lights are off.

A radio being turned on is heard. Volume rising, lot of background noise. A phone is picked up; dial tone, 3 notes and the ringing sound on the other end. The call is answered.

  • Operator – 911, what’s your emergency?
  • Caller – There’s someone or something in my house right now! Please help me, I’m scared as shit and I don’t know what to do…(sobs)
  • Op – Ok ma’am, are you ok? Are you hurt?
  • Ca – No…Yeh…I mean, no I’m not hurt, but I’m not ok. WAIT! I hear footsteps coming…(silence, then unintillegible whispering)…John, and he said he’d be here right-away, and then I heard the front door being opened…and then (crying and sobbing)…haven’t heard from him again.
  • Op – Ma’am, please, calm down. Where are you? Can you please give me your address?
  • Ca – (sobs) it’s (address)…please come as quickly as possible! I can’t get out of my room! He’ll know I’m here, and I don’t know what he can do to me…please hurry (intense crying is heard)
  • Op – Calm down ma’am, I already have 3 units going over to your house…they’ll be there in less than 8 minutes. Is the man in your house armed in any way? Have you seen a gun, a knife, something?
  • Ca – No…I don’t know. I was in my bed. And I remember suddenly waking up, and he was at the door…I mean, my bedroom’s door! I’ve never EVER been so scared in my life! Please, you gotta (Caller shuts down inmediately, and lowers her voice, almost to an Unadible volume)…oh my God, oh my God, he’s at my door again! I see the shadow of his feet across the small gap between the door and the floor. He’s standing right there!
  • Op – …uhm…is the door locked?
  • Ca – Yah, but don’t think that will hold him for too long…
  • Op – Is there anywhere you can hide until the police arrives?
  • Ca – (silence)
  • Op – Ma’am! Is there anywhere you can hide until the police arrives?
  • Ca – No!…under the bed, maybe…
  • Op – Crawl under the bed, and wait there! Police will be there in less than 6 minutes.
  • Ca – Ok, I’m (unintillegible whispering) safe, I don’t know, I’m….I’m…Oh God, please help me….he’s still there! Wait…he’s saying something…(mumbling is overheard, and a strong bang, along with a high scream from Caller)…he knows I’m here! (sobs)…He went away from my door! There are no shadows anymore…
  • Op – Did you hear him go away?
  • Ca – No…but his feet suddenly disappeared….
  • Op – Ok, stay right where you are, don’t move…and don’t worry ma’am, police are coming…I’ll be here with you the whole time. Can you please tell me your name?
  • Ca – …Kathy, Kathy Holmes.
  • Op – Ok Kathy, I’m Amanda, and we’ll get you out of there, safe. Do you hear me?
  • Kathy Holmes – Yes…please hurry.
  • Amanda – Is there any other person in the house, besides the intruder?
  • KH – No…my father is out of town, and my sister is staying at a friend’s…but John came over when I called, and I just don’t know if he’s inside, or what happened to (crying)
  • A – Have you seen the intruder, have you seen how he looks?
  • KH – (sobs)
  • A – Kathy! I need you to stay focused…Stay with me Kathy! Have you seen how he looks?
  • KH – …when I woked up, I saw him at my bedroom’s door…but I was still sleepy, so I’m not sure…
  • A – Wait, what do you mean, that he was at your bedroom’s door? Did he see you?
  • KH – (sobs)…looking straight right at me…I closed my eyes just for a moment, and then he was gone from my door…
  • A – …did…ah…he saw you, and didn’t even enter the room?
  • KH – (desperate crying)
  • A – Kathy…
  • KH – (calming down)…Amanda…do you believe in ghosts?
  • A – …
  • KH – Do you, Amanda?
  • A – Are you trying to tell me…
  • KH – (crying)…I called him…one day, playing with my friends…I CALLED HIM!…and now…he…now…(desperate crying)
  • A – I…just…
  • KH – (desperate crying and sobbing)
  • A – What do you mean, you called him?
  • KH – (sobs, unintillegible whispering) friend, how was supposted to know how to call a ghost and then call him out…but she didn’t…and ever since, things happened at my house, but never this. Never this…
  • A – Ok, stay hidden Kathy, we’ll take you out of your…
  • KH – (interrupting) he knows…and he’s here to take me. I know…(crying)
  • A – (tensed)…he’ll take you no-where, police is less than 2 minutes away…
  • KH – I don’t want to go…I…Oh fuck, oh shit, he’s at my door again! He’s there!
  • A – Kathy, police are arriving! Stay with me!
  • KH – He’s trying the door-knob! It’s locked…but he’s tryi…HE OPENED THE DOOR!
  • A – Wait right there Kathy! The police is entering your home, stay with…
  • KH – HE’S WALKING TOWARDS ME…OH GOD, NO! NO, WAIT, WAIT!….
  • A – Kathy! Oh God, Kathy! Kathy, can you hear me? (silence, only some background sound) Kathy! Hello? Kath…
  • Caller – (male voice, low pitched and deep) Gone

Phone is hunged up. Radio’s volume is reduced, and turned off.

Categories: Short Play Tags: , , ,

Life is, life provides…life sucks

January 8, 2011 1 comment

Lights on. People talking in the back. Lounge music playing, low volume. Outside, sun shines.

Caffee. Two people. Two friends, actually…and some beer on the table. No popcorn. Just beer. Yeah…they were friends allright.

  • Friend 1 – Really? You gotta be kiddin’ me, how come? Two days ago you weren’t even joining us, and now…all of a sudden…
  • Friend 2 – Yap, I know…don’t know what to say, just…life, dude. It’s just life. Allmighty life.
  • F1 – Well yeah…I mean, I know life, trust me; you remember how it was before, phone all the time, texting…tweeting, for God’s sake. And now, I’m just ME again. It’s like you’ve been away from home long enough to come back and see that everything has been falling off, but you’re still on time to fix it. Well, that’s me right now, fixing everything. Or at least, trying
  • F2 – Well mate, I’ve also been away from home long enough to realize that my home hasn’t been properly taken care of, and there’s no one to blame but me. And my God am I blaming me!…but I forgave me. I mean, I had to…how could I live with myself, if I didn’t?
  • F1 – Hahaha, true…and the weird part is that I totally get how you feel. It’s like I’ve been there before. Life can be a bitch, it can.
  • F2 – Yap it can, but we’ve got to live with it. Anyways, all I wanted to say is that I’ve changed, and hope I will remain this way. It’s tough, I’ll give you that, but I’m a pretty stubborn guy, and I’ll prove it to everyone! -quick smile-

They stare at their glasses for a minute. They’re half way empty, but they both believe that are half way full…Friend 1 lean up his head, and lifts his glass in a “want another one?” sign, to which Friend

 

2 nodds. Friend 1 make a quick sign, the waitress undestands, and inmediately goes to the bar to pick another bottle of beer.

  • F1 – Well…how’s she? I mean, after everything you’ve gone through…this has to be one huge slap-in-da-face. Will she keep living in the department, o will she move out as well?
  • F2 – Nah…she’ll keep living there. I mean, that’s what she told me; we’ll have to make all the proper arrangements, but it’s doable. It’s not like we have purchased the place, we’re just renting…so, she’ll be in charge of everything and eventually, when the contract ends (8 months, if I’m not mistaken) she’ll have to see what to do. But until then…she’ll live there. They down side is that I still love her…but I need some time, dude. Been delaying to do things I always wanted, just to be together. And it’s not that I want to be with another woman, or anything like that…it’s just that life’s clock keeps ticking, and we’re not being any younger. Remember back when we were in high-school, and thought life, or what we expected life to be, was so far away? It ain’t anymore…it’s here. This is life. And I gotta do what I’m here to do. Don’t know how long it’ll take me, but joining you guys will be my first step. If I have to be completely honest with you, I wanted it to be this way; I’m feeling pretty gulty and miserable right now, and I’m not sure I could take my first step on my own. So, I’m pretty grateful it turned out this way.
  • F1 – If I were in your shoes, I think it would be pretty much the same way. But as you said (beer arrives, and the waitress start pouring it on the empty glasses in front of them)…thank you sweetie; life’s ticking, and the battery won’t go on forever
  • F2 – (leaning back in the chair) I know…but stil, I hope life could go on forever. No. Not forever. At least, until I can do everything I’ve ever wanted. And looking at my life until now, it will take a while (laughs).
  • F1 – Well, it ain’t. So, you better get on the run.
  • F2 – I guess you are right.

They both keep quiet, listening to the music. A funky tune is up, and lights dim a little.

  • F1 – Well now, talking about the trip, has everything been taken care of?
  • F2 – Yap, the only thing missing is a cab from the airport to the hostel, but everything is done. (Friend 3) will arrive a little sooner, his flight departs one hour before ours, but he’ll wait for us there…and (Friend 4) is already there, so no need to worry about him. Anyway, we’ll stay at his place for a couple of days…I mean, we’ll first stay at the hostel for 4 o 5 days, and then will go to his house…he lives on a different village, around 500 kms away. So, I wanted to stay a couple of days first on this place, and then move on. And once we arrive at his place, we’ll see what we’ll do. Seemed the best way.
  • F1 – Fine by me…Well, life keeps moving. But now, I’m moving too.
  • F2 – Yap…as you once said: life is, life provides…life sucks.
  • F1 – Amen, bro. Amen.

They keep talking, and laughing, but can be heard anymore. A lot of people talking. Laughs. Sun isn’t up anymore.

Light dim out.